you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
