Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
