Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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