well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
