i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
