Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
