can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
