Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
