I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
