It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
