my mouth tastes like poor choices
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i came on her dog
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
