i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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