the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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