i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
