I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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