That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
this will be a night to untag.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
