I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
