doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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