Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
