Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
