I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
