Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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