His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
