Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
