I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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