my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
