If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
