He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
