oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Alive.
So much puke
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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