I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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