Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
