did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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