I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
