this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
