I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
