I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
