Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So much rum. So many feels.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
