I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
