I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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