"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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