Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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