It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
