thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
