I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
