Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
