What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
