I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
