i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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