he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
