woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
